| Yesterday 3:56 pm So.... *sighs* I dont have xanga anymore for now, Jack gave me my own account on his laptop (finally, lmao) but he forgot to change the settings from a basic guest account.... I cant even check my fucking emails. Windows messenger and trillian wont even load up as soon as I attempt it they close. When I try to go to youtube or xanga or email on firefox and on IE, the browser jsut closes, and fith firefox when I restore the session, it goes to the page I was at before it shut down, not the page I was trying to reach. Gar for now all I can really access are my comics, DA and FF.net. He's too lazy to fix it yet. goah, stupidity. I dont know why but I am exhausted.... I slept last night, but I cant seem to keep myself awake, I took a three hour nap earlier. I jsut woke up about.... 45 mins ago?.. I only woke up cos I had to walk the dogs actually... Ive been having lots of nightmares recently filled with people I dont know, places I dont ever recall having been, and I know that in the dreams I was always very miserable. Scared a bit, too. I woke up from the same dream three times and went back into it once I went back to sleep - and I have never done that before. It happened just duting my earlier nap... The most Ic an wake up, and then fall back into the same dream is usually once, if that.... *whimpers some* I dont like it, not one bit. but, on the good side, I remember being called Marina again, so for now Im just going to assume it is my real name. I dont know why I never thought of it before, Marina was my favorite play name as a lil girl and early teen... I guess I never thought my name would be such a pretty name, one that I love so much. Hmmnh. Marina (Misa) Leonoire....? Marina aka Misa, lmao Oh well, for now I'm just..... incredibly unsettled, very lethargic and sore all over. I might go takee another nap now, even at the risk of going into another nightmare... Mi miss Chase, I miss Isa and Mall... *sighs* I miss being happy... ~Marina/Misa K I know its gonna be long but now for todays entry... Right now Im still having bad dreams. Still waking up and going straight back in them. I'm always sleepy, I literally am tired all day long no matter how much or how little I get sleep. Still sore all over, in frightening ways. Ive been having problems holding my head up, and my neck is in a lot of pain, the muscles cant seem to keep it held up, so I end up having to lay down or use a pillow to prop it up often. My chest hurts too, and my arm is still going numb when the chest pains hit me, as well.. Its a bit frightening. I know I have lupus... maybe thats a symptom? *sighs* I need to get a job with decent benifits so I can get myself tested when Im having symptoms (like joint pain, extreme light sensitivity, skin pain, etc) At first I thought it was jsut me getting used to walking the dogs - at first it was, but that pain from my muscles getting worked out again is completely gone now, except for directly when I come back from a long walk. I'm at a loss here. So yeah things are eh, but... mentally Im doing much better. Its quiet and Im alone all the time, but Ive been watching lots of tv, taking the dogs out, and reading fanfics online (also working on writing a story or two maybe) to distract myself and keep myself awake. I can tell that even when I feel 'happy' Im still really depressed. I think thats what some of the pain is from. Ive called Chase a couple times and didnt get an answer.... texted him too. So even though I wanna talk to him about some things, and maybe even get Ana's number so maybe I can try to figure out if theres any way besides just giving her space that I can become friends with her again. I really feel a lot more empty, knowing that I hurt her and she doesnt want to be my friend. Chase and I talked about it, the second day I noticed it... he said he felt bad for me cos I dont even really know what happened... I dont even care, I jsut want my friends back.. I dotn want them to give up on me and abandon me like everyone else... *sighs* okay shut up Kitten. damn I havent cried in a while and I jsut about started up again. Im trying nto to let myself do so. Anyways, I guess this is it for now. Oh- Im REALLY upset now, I cant get a job all summer, because JC is gonna be here and part of my job for nannette and jack is watching over her and being her nanny. *sighs* That also means no going to visit chase, I dont think. I might manage to get jack to take me over on friday and pick me up on saturday, jsut so I can see chase and leave the presents there. I have to talk to jack and chase about that though. *sighs* I dont even know if he wants to see me. I know I need to stop thinking liek that, but I cant help wondering, you know? if hes starting to get tired of me. Im still too insecure, although not as much as I used to be. I dont worry about it very often anymore. althrough sometimes when I worry, that bothers me, too, XP Just cant win, lol. ~Misa |
